Commercials My Style!
by Miklusca
Summary: Final Fantasy 8 cast on commercials. Rating may be high, but i don't want to get it kicked off. Enjoy!
1. Default Chapter

Commercials My Style!  
Author: Miklusca  
Rating: R  
Warning: Language  
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 8 or the commercials I'm making in  
front of.  
Feedback: Yes. Pweeeeeeeeease?  
Summary: Characters from Final Fantasy 8 are on commercials. Meant to be  
funny.  
First Commercial  
  
Music plays and children are shown eating burgers while smiling  
stupidly. A young woman takes orders in her uniform and cap, brown hair  
pouncing as she handed them their meal. She turns to the camera and smiles  
widely. Her Green eyes twinkling.  
Woman: Here at Mc Wouldo's you always get the best service and food! (She  
takes a bite and smiles.)  
There's a man in the background in the kitchen humping a sandwich.  
Woman: And with our secret sauce, it's sure to be the number 1 place to  
eat!  
The man shudders and wraps the sandwich.  
Man: Here's the special!  
Woman: Thanks Irvine! All of our employees love it here, so come and join  
us.  
The scene shows the sign and fades out.  
Second Commercial  
  
Sad music plays and a woman is walking on the beach.  
Woman: When I first found out that I have genital herpes, I was  
devastated. But now with Whoreaci I have my life back!  
Fun music plays as she's shown bouncing, laughing, and doing  
cartwheels.  
Father: You wouldn't have to take that God Damn medicine if you didn't  
fuck everything in sight!  
The woman is shown on a date and looks at the camera.  
Woman: Thanks Whoreacil!  
The scene goes out.  
Third Commercial  
  
Rap music plays and a young man with spiky hair walking down the  
street, people looking at his shoes.  
Man: If you wanna be cool you need Fakeout shoes! You run faster (is  
shown running faster than a car. Jump higher (is shown jumping to the  
moon.) And get all the ladies (is covered in whores)!  
A gangster comes up and shoots him before he could run, stealing his  
shoes.  
Man: (coughs blood) The only thing they aren't good against is cheap  
hoods. (The ambulance comes taking him away)  
Gangster: Man these are fresh! (Gets shot also)  
Get them at Foot Monger! Warning: May cause premature death; get  
life insurance if buying these.  
Scene ends.  
TBC How do you like it? R&R! 


	2. Chapter 2: 46

Chapter 2: 4-6  
  
Squall & Seifer  
Music plays and two men are watching TV. The brunette gets up and  
grabs a soda.  
Brunette: Do you want one?  
Blonde: Sure! It's hot today.  
He brings them back two bottles of cola.  
Announcer: Nothing beats a hot day like Kooka-Coola soda with Viagra for  
both men and women!  
Blonde: How about we take this hot day in the bedroom?  
Burnett: Sounds fine to me!  
They go off into the bedroom and they show a close up of the bottle.  
Announcer: Kooka-Coola Soda with Viagra! It blows the competition away!  
The scene fades out as the sounds of moaning and squeaking is heard.  
  
5th commercial  
Cid & Edea  
Scene opens to an old man holding his stomach. His wife looks at him  
with concern.  
Wife: You look uncomfortable honey. Are you constipated again?  
Husband: Well I'm not this way because I'm horny!  
Wife turns to camera.  
Wife: When your constipated use Flow Out! (Turns to another camera). Flow  
Out is an easy way to relieve constipation! Just warm up the liquid, put  
the tube up your ass and take the pill at the same time! It's easy and  
fast!  
You hear the man in the bathroom groaning and plops and other nasty  
noises. @_@.  
Wife: I'm leaving you for the pool man! I can't stand a man that's too  
old and plugged up!  
Walks off with Nida the pool man.  
Husband: You need me bitch!  
Scene ends showing the product. Warnings!: Side effects could be  
insomnia, paranoia, cramping, colon cancer and death.  
  
6th Commercial  
Kiros  
Scene opens with a black man with long flowing dread locks or whatever.  
Smiling he looks in the mirror in a bathroom.  
Man: When my hair started to fall out I was horrified.  
He turns to the camera and runs a hand through the braids-or attempt  
to.  
Man: Now with Ke Grow my hair is thicker and fuller than ever!  
Is shown in a restaurant with women running hands over the braids.  
Man: (Smiling) My sex life hasn't been this good in years! Thanks to Ke  
Grow!  
Announcer: Ke Grow! The leading in regrowing hair! Warning: May cause  
blindness and sterility!  
Scene fades with him smiling.  
TBC More to come!! 


	3. Chapter 3: 79

Chapter 3: 7-9  
Laguna  
Opens to a man looking a picture.  
Man: When I found out I had a son I was shocked! My wife died years ago  
while I was away. I though she was just getting fat! But I immediately  
turned to Family Finder! (Turns around to another camera)  
Man: Family Finder is a helpful business that finds lost family members.  
They take a blood sample and test DNA of everyone born in the year you  
think. I found my son last year. Sure he beats me, and yells but I know  
it's out of love! ^_^.  
Shows a picture of Squall kicking Laguna in the balls.  
Man: I think our relationship is blossoming! (Smiles)  
Scene fades out with the phone numbers showing.  
8th Commercial  
Ward  
Scene opens with a large man with a bandana around his sweaty head.  
He rubs his head in pain and stops hammering.  
Man: Fucking A! This shit ass headache won't go away!  
Another man comes up and hands him a bottle.  
Other Man: Here take this. Chitsuzai! My doctor says it's better than  
the leading brands.  
Man: Chitsuzai? (Takes tow and magically some time later is shown doing  
everything under the sun.)  
Man: Hey that really worked!  
Other Man: I told you! (They are shown walking off laughing)  
Warnings: Can cause stomach bleeding, liver failure, brain damage  
and coma.  
Scene fades out showing the bottle.  
  
9th Commercial  
Zell again  
Opens with a young blonde man bouncing around, he was waiting at a  
hot dog vender. He turns to the camera smiling like an idiot.  
Man: I can't wait! Hot dogs are my favorite! (He gets a hot dog  
and bites into it moaning. After swallowing he turns to the camera).  
Man: But the best is Balamb Dogs! Made up of Beef, Chicken, Duck, Turkey,  
Fish, Tofu, and Rat it's bound to be a success! (He takes another bite  
moaning and rubbing his crotch. The vender guy looks around and walks away  
slowly).  
Man: I love them so much I once had a threesome with one!  
Vender Guy: @_@. That's one fucked up kid!  
The scene ends focusing the hot dogs.  
Announcer: Balamb Dogs! Now with Cheese and Roach flavors!  
TBCNope still not the end. 


	4. Chapter 4: 1012

Chapter 4: 10-12  
10th Commercial  
Raijin & Fuijin  
Scene opens on a large young black man and a silver haired woman with  
an eye-patch sitting at a kitchen table.  
Man: It's so hard to get up in the morning ya know.  
Woman: WIMP! (kicks him under the table)  
Man: (cries). I just want some coffee!  
Woman: COFFEE!? HERE'S YOUR DAMN COFFEE! (beats him with the can)  
Man: X_X  
Announcer: Err. With Balamb Mountain Brew you'll never have to go  
through this. It's fresh taste is number one over all brands. Balamb's  
Mountain Brew, take some home today.  
Scene fades out with the woman beating the announcer with the bloody  
can.  
  
11th Commercial  
Selphie again  
Scene opens on a young brown haired woman. She was smiling and all  
happy. She opened her purse and her eyes flared red and fire burned.  
Woman: I'm out of fucking candy! (screams is heard as she mauls  
people, tearing some of their limbs off.)  
Announcer: Don't let this happen to you. Make sure you have plenty  
of Mega Super Duper Sweet Chocolate Mountain Dew Candy! (The announcer gets  
his arm ripped off by the woman who eats all of it)  
Woman: (Sweet as can be) That's better! Gotta have my Mega Super  
Duper Sweet Chocolate Mountain Dew Candy! Or I will kill all of you!  
Announcer #2: Don't leave your sugar addict go without it! It has  
90% Sugar! (Gags @_@) It also contains 2% Cocaine! Warnings: If you are  
pregnant or nursing don't eat this or if your diabetic. May become  
addictive.  
Scene ends with the woman twitching and running around, flailing her  
arms.  
  
12th Commercial  
Irvine again  
Scene opens with a man on a date, they are hugging and smootching.  
Man: How about we go to the bedroom?  
Woman: Do you have protection? (There was a needle screetch and he  
looks terrified.)  
Man: Shit!  
A beaver comes in and tosses a condom at them.  
Man & Woman: Thanks! (They run into the bedroom)  
Beaver: Beaver Skin Condoms! The best in protection and intimate  
pleasure! Warnings: May cause you to turn into a beaver.  
Scene fades out as the noises from the bedroom picks up.  
TBC? 


	5. Chapter 5: 1315

Chapter 5: 13-15  
  
13th Commercial  
Squall again  
Scene opens at a bar, people dancing and carrying on. There is a  
young man drinking illegally and the Bar Keep comes up.  
Bar Keep: You're mighty young to be drinking.  
Man: Whatever, give me another.  
Bar Keep: I think you had enough.  
Man: Enough!? Were you the one who fought against numerous Sorceress's!?  
No! Now give me another one asshole!  
Bar Keep pours him another glass and shakes his head.  
Announcer: AA Whiskey! Makes you forget your troubles! With 50% alcohol,  
you won't know what hit you!  
The drunken man starts swinging his Gunblade around, screaming that  
everyone was a Sorceress.  
Announcer: AA Whiskey! There's no substitute---AHHH!!  
Scene fades with the announcer gets cut in half and the man foams  
with a bottle of booze.  
  
14th Commercial (This was inspired by a MAD TV parody)  
Quistis  
Scene opens with a blonde woman with a bun washing cloths. She  
sniffed and smiled at the wonderful fragrance.  
Woman: Wow! All those stains are gone.  
A fluffy white bear falls in a basket and giggles.  
Bear: Ha ha! So soft!  
Woman: (Screams) What the fuck are you!? (She throws the bear across the  
room)  
Bear: Bitch! I help clean your Goddamn cloths and this is the fucking  
thanks I get!  
Women: Get the hell away! (She takes out a baseball bat and beats the  
bear bloody)  
Bear: Unuh! Whore! (Bites one of her fingers off and she screams)  
She pulls out a gun and blows the teddy's head off.  
Scene fades focusing on a bloody bottle of Brunty Cloths Detergent.  
  
15th Commercial  
Rinoa  
Scene opens with a black haired woman, sneezing and coughing, making  
her dog bark in the bed.  
Woman: Sorry Angelo, this damn cold won't go away! (She sneeze's again  
and the dog jumps down)  
Woman: Don't go babe!  
The dog returns with a bottle of liquid.  
Woman: Cold No More? (Reads) Relieves all cold symptoms and lets you  
sleep all night long. (She takes some and suddenly falls asleep, now she  
snores, rattling the windows)  
Announcer: Cold No More, knocks the hell out of the competition!  
Warnings: May cause severe gas.  
Scene ends with the bottle and loud farts.  
TBC 


	6. Chapter 6: 1518

Chapter 6: 16-18  
  
16th Commercial  
Quistis  
The scene opens in an office where a blonde woman stared at a  
computer screen. Her blue eyes squinted in frustration. She punched a  
hole through the screen  
Woman: Piece of shit! I can't look up porn on a slow shit!  
Her co-workers looked at her O.o  
Announcer: Slow computers keeping your life on hold? Well with Esther's  
Odine Computer you'll never have to upgrade, because it does it  
automatically. Has an Intel Pentium 7 and all the works! Only 10,997 Gil!  
Woman: With Esther's Odine Computer I can look up porn in only milla  
seconds!  
Scene ends with her smiling.  
  
17th Commercial  
XU  
Scene opens with a young woman looking worried, looking out a window.  
Woman: (Looks at camera) When I thought I was pregnant I was worried.  
How was I going to take care of it? What will happen to me? How was I  
going to take care of it? Who's the father? (Turns to another camera)  
But then I used Rinoa's Pregnancy Test. It was clear and easy to read!  
The product is shone, a stripe of paper.  
Woman: You take a urine sample and wet the stripe. When not pregnant it  
says: Yo ho! No child! When pregnant it says: Next time close your  
legs! Now I know there's no baby in by future yet!  
Scene faded with the box and her smiling.  
  
18th Commercial  
Adel  
Opens to a person that looks like a hermaphrodite. It's rubbing its  
eyes sneezing.  
It: my damn allergies! You would think someone as powerful as I would  
suffer from this shit! I mean it's making my eyes red!  
Just then a lightening bolt hits the ground, and after the smoke clears a  
box of medicine is left.  
It: WTF!? (Picks it up) WWW.Allergy Pills? What a stupid ass name!  
Takes some anyways and all symptoms but It's red eyes are gone.  
It: WTF!? My eyes are still red! (It's eyes fall out from some unknown  
disease and runs around screaming)  
Announcer: WWW.Allergy Pills! They may just work.  
Scene ends with It still screaming.  
TBC 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: 19-21

19th Commercial

Laguna Again

Scene opens to a dark haired man with sparkling green eyes, he looked into the camera.

Man: I use to hate going to the beach, I was covered in hair!

(Shows picture of him looking like bigfoot) And that's when I found Shaven Ape! It's easy and safe! 

you just need to open the bottle, shake, spread on and wipe off!

The product is being applied.

Man: You can use it anywhere! Face, legs, arms, ass, nads you name it!

Announcer: Shaven Ape! Use it or DIE! Warning: May cause a rash and or extreme arousal.

The scene ends with the man smiling widly.

20th Commercial

Cid Again

Man: God damn it! First I'm constipated and my wife leaves me for the fucking pool guy,

now I have diahreah! (He runs to the bathroom and all the noises ensuses) I hate fucking kids!

All day whine, whine, whine! (Continues on and on)

Announcer: Diahrea got you irritable? Then you need Shit No More! Juse one pill makes that

watery stool to solid! It's just that easy!

Man: Nothing is that easy! NOTHING! Now get the fuck out of my house!

Announcer: (whispers) No wonder you wife left you bastard! (normal voice) Take Shit No More!

That way you won't turn into an asshole!

Scene ends with the man yelling.

21st Commercial

Seifer again

Scene opens to a blonde man holding a fluff cat with brown fur and blue eyes, a tan marking

going across the bridge of the nose. (Like Squall as a cat .) The cat jumps off the mans lap

and nudges his food dish with a meow.

Man: Oh Squally Kitty! I'm coming! (skips over to the dish and takes it. He takes

out a can of wet cat food)

Man: With Griever Cat Food I know Squally Kitty is getting the best! And I just have to

give my snoogaly poo the best! .

The cat meows a questiong meow and the man hugs and kisses the fluffy ball.

Scene ends at the man bowing to the confused cat.

TBC 


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: 22-24

22nd Commercial

Ultimecia

Scene opens to a woman with silver hair and wings sitting on a throne.

Woman: When that spekial time komes around, you don't want to use just any ordinary pad!

Tampons hurt like hell to me, I mean have something inside and supposily you don't feel

a thing? Fuck that!

Her eyes turn violet and looks at another camera.

Woman: So when it komes time for me, I use Shukketsu Nuno () It's

thick enough even for my heaviest down pours!

The product shows and she smiles eviliy.

Woman: Make sure your komfortable and klean when trying to bend the will of time! (her

wings fluff out and destroys a stand)

The scene ends with the box shown and the woman talking about "Kursed SeeDs"

23rd Commercial

Fuijin Again

The scene opens with a woman throwing stuff, kicking men, talking in caps loudly.

Everyone in the office stares.

Woman: I SAID A GOD DAMN SOY LATTE!

Throws a boy across the room, foaming at the mouth.

Announcer: When it's that time of the month dont let PMS get to you. Just take Bitch Be Gone!

It's sure to make you as docile as a kitten.

Woman: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? DIE! (she attacks him and drags him off)

Announcer: For the love of Hyne, everyone take Bitch Be Gone! (screams as he's torn apart.

The product is shown as the rampage continues)

24th Commercial

Raijin Again

Scene opens with a large black man scratching his ass. He just scratched and

scratched and started bleeding through his pants.

Man: Fucking hemmroids! They won't go away! I tried everything and nothing works! Ya know?

(the man uses his staff and scratches himself with it)

Announcer: Have nasty hemmroids? Use H, just one application and you'll feel a big

difference!

The man grabs the medicine and push's the announcer away. He pulls down his pants

and immediatly uses the cream.

Man: It feels sooo good ya know! H! is great!

The scene ends witht he announcer being humped by the man.

TBC 


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: 25-27-GF's!

Here i'm using the GF names unlike the human commercials.

25th Commercial

Ifrit

Scene opens to a carnival where a huge red beast with horns is eating truck loads of food, then

grabs his stomach.

Ifrit: Man i need to fart! (lifts up his leg and farts really loud, the fumes melting people

into puddles of bubbling flesh) Geez that felt good! (lets a couple more fly)

Announcer: (wearing gas mask) When you have bad gas it's easy to embarras yourself.

Ifrit: Hey I don't care (farts again)

Announcer: Well we do! Ah hem. To get rid of your gas, take Kiros's Flatulantago! Your friends, family,

and strangers will thank you!

Ifrit: Oh yeah? (farts just continue)

Announcer: God damn it! Take the fucking medicine!

Scene ends with the announcer yelling.

26th Commercial

Cerberus & Carbuncle

This is making front of that old Cingular commercial with the two guys listening to the

phone ring gangster like music and walking.

The two guys are walking doing that bobbing bullshit,when a three headed demon dog and a blue

thing with a jewel in the forehead runs in. Cereberus tears them to shreds and Carbuncle eats thier

corpses. They take the cell phone.

Cerberus: Hey lets call the sex lines!

Carbuncle: Yeah! Yeah!

They walk down the sidewalk talking to sexy women and men, having phone sex.

Announcer: Cingular Phones, make sure your not fucking off in the open with it!

Scene ends with them moaning into the phone.

27th Commercial

Shiva & Bahamut

Scene opens to a beautiful babe, her blue skin sparkles as did her eyes. A huge dragon was

panting at some make-up.

Announcer: When you want to look your best ladies use Crystal GF Make-up!

Shiva: Why do woman have to put on this shit?

Bahamut: I wear it! (claps his claws together)

Shiva?? I see. That mascara really brings out your eyes.

Bahamut: Really? Oooh! Honey I am just blushing now!

Announcer: . What the fuck?

Shiva: Lets play make-up and kill monsters!

Bahamut: Yah! (they skip together)

The scene ends with the product and the announcer looking extremely confuses.

TBC 


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: 28-30 More GF's 28th Commercial Leviathan

Scene opens at a happy theme park, children were laughing and acting like idiots.  
Children: Yeah, we love Final Fantasy Theme Park! There's the Ragnoark Ride! (shows a roller coaster ride) Over there is the lizard ride.  
Leviathan: Hey fucking kids! I AM NOT A RIDE!  
Children: (screaming) It's alive!  
Leviathan is stopped by Squall Squall: Come with me Leviathan. I'll buy you a beer.  
Leviathan: Sure! (they leave while children cried)

29th Commercial Gilgamesh Scene opens to a man/GF with about 6 arms, each hand chapped.  
Gilgamesh: Damn, holding all those swords all day are drying out my skin! I can't even jerk off!  
Announcer: Well with new NoMo Krusty! It's great for your skin, knives or if you just wanna jerk off!

Gilgamesh uses it on all hands and they're magically smooth and silky.  
Gilgamesh: Hot damn! Now all I need is someone to hold me.  
Announcer: Ummm...oookay.  
Scene ends with Gilgamesh stalking him.

30th Commercial Diablos Scene ends with a scary thing with wings and a tail. A ball of black stuff twirls in the sky. The GF opens his mouth and flames fly out burning some people to ash.  
Diablos: Damn heartburn! No matter what I eat! Chicken, chille, pussy or cock!

Announcer: Don't let heartburn get you down! Just take a tablet of Garden's Best!  
Diablos: Shut the hell up! (throws the swirling black ball on him) Dumb fuck!  
(takes the pills and his heartburn is gone) Well i'll be damned! It's gone!  
Announcer #2: This is way dumb, i'm leaving The scene ends.

The End of the commercials. 


End file.
